Unless You Don't Want to be Awesome. Loser.
If you want attention on the internetz, you need to post about one of the three things: religion, feminism, and food.
In particular, just talk about how one of those things is either really awesome or really terrible.
Now, since I don’t give a shit about religion and I’m certainly not dumb enough to write about feminism (which for the record is awesome), I’m pretty much relegated to writing about food. So is every other fitness professional, which is why you’re flooded with articles about it all the time.
At least once a week, I see some fitness professional publish an article about various types of foods. Maaaaybe these articles will be about foods you absolutely must eat, other times you read about foods you should avoid.
Sometimes they tag on a helpful modifier of “if THIS isn’t part of your diet you probably hate your mother and disrespect rainbows.”
On the other hand, there are the people who write lists about all the foods you can’t eat because they’re the devil. I’m not even talking about the alarmists who try to convince you that if you’re eating something that if you ingest artificial sweeteners, your stomach will shrivel up and your brain will bleep out from your eyes. I just mean people who say shit like “bananas will keep you from losing fat.” Fuck you and your banana hatred, clown.
The worst are the foods that jump back and forth between lists. This week pomegranate is bad for you; next week it’s awesome. Blah blah blah.
Anyway, I decided to just say fuck all the noise and write my own damn list. The MASTER List of Super Foods.
These are 11 foods that will never change. They will always be good for you. They will always make you run faster, jump higher, lift more weight, and generally be a healthier human. And yes, I have personally vetted each one.
The problem is, most of these are pretty controversial. Some people will tell you not to eat them. Some will even try to use the recommendations of these foods to discredit me.
Well, bring it on, bitches. Never believe anyone else in the fitness industry. Only believe me. Only I am ever correct on anything. Or maybe I got that mixed up. Doesn’t matter. They’ll probably just tell you to eat Acai berries. I’m going to tell you to eat things that will unlock the secrets of the universe.
And by the way, although whiskey is not included on this list, you can be damn sure I’ve been ingesting it while writing this article, so be prepared for everything that follows to be either complete insanity or sheer brilliance.
Ready? And now…
I’m going to start with the easiest and most logical point on this list: if you’ve never had horsemeat, you’re missing out and you want to change that. If you live in the US, that’s going to be an issue, because horse meat is actually illegal here.
Why, you ask? Well, there are probably all sorts of reasons you can look up, but they’re all bullshit. The fact of the matter is that here in ‘Murica, we have a really hard time with the idea of eating anything that is either cute, or could be kept as a pet.
Cats, dogs, horses, dolphins, whales—basically, if an animal has ever been given an on-screen personality, it’s off the menu for Americans. Pigs are the obvious exception, but they’re grandfathered in. Plus, trying to take bacon from Americans would meet slightly less resistance than, oh, I dunno, sane gun control laws.
Can you even imagine the reaction? OBAMA IS A MUSLIM AND HE TRIED TO TAKE OUR BACON. It would be the only Civil War in history resulting from dietary restrictions. (Except for all of those religious wars, which I assume are also fought over bacon.)
Anyway, back to horsemeat. The description on Wikipedia lists it as, “slightly sweet, tender, and low in fat.” I can second that.
A few months back, Burger King got in trouble for adding horse to its burgers, and everyone freaked out. This is stupid. Let go of whatever ingrained prejudices you have and just do it, because horse is basically the perfect fitness protein.
I said as much on Facebook, so if you want a laugh you should read through the thread because people got thuper-thalty.
On another note, let’s all just recognize that the description of Daenerys eating a raw horse heart in A Game of Thrones takes up less space on the page than most of Tyrion’s meals. This is because George R.R. Martin spends way too much time talking about food and not enough moving the damn story along. But that’s just a personal gripe.
If, like GRRM, you get a big ol’ food boner for his descriptions, you might like this book:
For the rest of us, I’ll just say I hope the next book has more killing and less food.
Moving on: horsemeat really is fucking delicious, and if you get your hands on some of it, eat the shit out of it. Unless you don’t want to be a Dothraki warrior, in which case I don’t even know how to begin to help you. This article may be of use to you, though.
If you have a problem with eating horse, you’re going to have trouble swallowing this one, too. (Heh. Puns.) But for everyone who’s actually looking to get the most out of adding super foods to their diet, read on.
Unicorn Meat has all of the advantages of horsemeat, plus a host of unique benefits that come with eating a goddamn unicorn.
Not only is it super high in protein and super low in fat, all of the protein grams are instantly anabolic and result in pure muscle growth with no fat gain. In addition to all that, ingestion of unicorn meat will increase pretty much any of your baseline stats considerably, depending on which region you eat.
Here’s a handy chart, to help you figure it out:
There are two obvious caveats here. The first is that the effects of unicorn meat are temporary. Depending on your overall Lean Body Mass and general constitution, the effects will last between 3-5 hours; therefore, I suggest waiting to eat it until immediately prior to a quest or raid. The second is the effect on your alignment.
I mean, just killing a unicorn can plunge an entire enchanted forest into darkness and drop you all the way from Chaotic Good all the way to True Neutral. You have to imagine that butchering it and serving it up for dinner would probably shove your ass all the way to Chaotic Evil.
Anyway, maybe you’re not concerned about your alignment. Maybe you’re happy running around stealing candy from babies and shit. Not me, though. I like my alignment where it is: if I drop any lower than Chaotic Neutral, my dual-wield modifier gets decreased and the -2 penalties for my off-hand come back. And if that’s gonna happen, what’s the fucking point?
To avoid all this, I just buy canned Unicorn Meat, which is also a lot more convenient.
Sure, it’s not as fresh, but I would rather let the goblins at the factory butcher it for me; if they’re okay with their alignment the way it is, who am I to argue?
You can grab some here.
Have you ever finished putting the hurting a demon horde, wiped the ichor from your Holy Avenger, then looked down at the corpses around you and thought, “hmmm…I wonder how that would taste?”
I must admit: it seemed foreign to me, too. Then I read the Warded Man: Book One of the Demon Cycle, by Peter V. Brett. If you haven’t read it, there are some minor spoilers in the next paragraph, so proceed with caution.
At the end of the first book, the main character of Arlen Bales is trapped out in the desert with no supplies. Having recently armed himself with some evil-smiting wards, he roughs up some sand demons and, not having many options, decides to cut on open, cook it, and eat it.
Now, you’re thinking, yuck, that’s gross, and you’re not wrong. But, that’s before you realize that eating demon meat and ichor actually grants Arlen actual super powers.
In addition to gaining enhanced strength, speed, and endurance Arlen gains the ability to phase in and out of the physical ward, heal rapidly, fly, and even read the thoughts of demonkind.
Basically, eating some dead-as-fuck demon grants the powers of Wolverine, Rogue, and Jean Grey.
Would you like to place your order for demon steaks now? OF COURSE YOU WOULD.
Too bad you can’t, and you’ll have to out there and kill your own, just like Arlen. If you happen to survive the encounter, cut’em open and eat’em. Side effects may include doubting your humanity, exclusion from society, and eventual insanity. But, you know. Totally worth it.
Holy shit. We’re getting a bit dark here. Time to change gears. So let’s head somewhere decided less serious: Neverland, where you get to have everything you want…as long as what you want is to always be a boy and to have fun.
And, of course, eat all your favorite Never-foods, fight pirates, and basically live a true endless summer. The best part about all that has got to be the Never-foods, because they’re completely calorie free. You can eat all you want and never, ever get fat—unless you believe yourself to be fat.
For anyone who doesn’t know, the primary cuisine of the Lost Boys in Neverland is basically made up of air and your imagination. If you can’t imagine yourself eating, you won’t eat—because there’s nothing there, SON.
However, if you’ve got a good imagination, high strength of will, and a gift for self-delusion, you’re golden. Never-foods can be anything you want them to be, which is fantastic if you like to eat stuff that’s a pain in the ass to actually cook, like a 30-pound turkey or nine bowls of multi-colored pudding.
On top of keeping you full, Never-foods make you awesome at food fights, winning insult contests against children, and helping you remember that you’re the GODDAMN PAN and you can fly, fight, and crow like a motherfucker.
With Never-foods, you’ll be able to walk that line of sustenance without starving. That’s how Rufio managed to keep that lithe fighter’s build and still have the energy to get stabbed in the chest by a dude in a wig (respect).
Awwww, poor Rufio, you say. Don’t feel bad for him, guys. In addition to having one of the most influential punk/post-hardcore bands of the generation named after him, Rufio also eventually went on to do Slam-Poetry about choking bitches, so it worked out all right in the end.
If Neverland fare doesn’t suit your fancy, let’s head over to Middle-earth, where you can get some of the tastiest treats this side of the Anduin. Now, I don’t usually hold with foreign food, but this Elvish stuff’s not bad. And by “Elvish stuff,” you know I’m talking ‘bout dat Lembas.
Lembas (or Waybread) is an incredible superfood with a variety of uses, depending on your goal. It’s highly concentrated nutrition, making it nearly perfect for long treks: not only will it stay fresh for months (assuming it’s wrapped properly), a few small bites is enough to sustain you for long periods of time.
Trying to get lean? Set it and forget it. Just have a nibble of Lembas and pretty much ignore food for the rest of the week. This is more of an intuitive eating type of dieting, but it works. You ever seen a fat elf? Of course you haven’t.
On the other hand, Lembas is also great for gaining mass—just ask any Hobbit who happened to eat more than they should have.
According to MyFitnessPal, the macro breakdown of this delicious Elven Waybread is very carb heavy and pretty calorically dense; and, volumetrically, Lembas doesn’t take up a lot of room—this makes it perfect for someone who’s a hardgainer and always complaining that they just can’t eat anymore.
Here’s the solution. Make them some Lembas with this recipe
Once the Waybread is ready to go, have them eat one serving in addition to their regular meals. Boom. Instant gainz.
Lembas also makes an excellent addition to both Second Breakfast AND Elevenses.
For you history buffs out there, Tolkien most likely based Lembas on hard tack, which he probably would have eaten as a soldier in WWI. Others have posited that Lembas was an allegorical reference to Eucharist; however, given Tolkien’s staunchly negative view on allegory in general, that seems unlikely.
Anyway. As you can see, Lembas is a superfood if ever there was one. Good for fat loss, good for mass gain, and perfect for fueling that long walk into Mordor.
I don’t normally recommend drugs of any kind, but I’m willing to make a few exceptions. The first of these is melange, and for good reason: if ever you were going to do a drug, this is the one.
Melange is not only THE drug of choice for the Fremen culture in Frank Herbert’s DUNE, it’s also part of the entire societal make up: it’s basically principle driver of trade and commerce, as well as the plot of the books as a whole.
But, that’s not the cool part. The cool part is that in addition to turning your eye White-walker blue (the entire eye, not just the iris), you gain increased awareness, wisdom, and mental ability. So it’s sort of like ayahuasca and/or a +2 potion of wisdom.
More importantly, if you take some of the melange and read DUNE, you might find yourself in the tiny minority of folks who somehow doesn’t think it’s one of the most overrated sci-fi series of all time.
Alternatively, you could just keep doing what most people do and pretend you actually read it. Both work.
As long we we’re on the topic of drugs, here’s another drug-based superfood I highly suggest you try: the Plum Bob.
Technically, it’s more of an alchemical poison than an actual food, but it can be added to just about anything to devastating effect. In the Wise Man’s Fear, book two of Patrick Rothfuss’s Kingkiller Chronicle, the main character of Kvothe is dosed with a Plum Bob by one of his nemeses, and we see exactly what can happen.
Basically, the drug removes inhibitions and all social filters, which more or less negates the ability to tell right from wrong.
To use an example from the book:
The Plum Bob also brings with a heightening of emotionality, and, perhaps, a propensity for doing—if I may quote Master Elodin, something stupid beyond all mortal ken.
Put in the simplest terms, the Plum Bob confers upon the victim user the sort of reckless bravery that comes with being really, really drunk. Only without all of the other side effects, like slurred speech or impaired motor functioning.
In some ways, it’s like Phase Three of the drug HFS from 21 Jump Street.
Now, you may be wondering why a drug that makes you say crazy things and removes your inhibitions without impairing you physically is a good thing, or why you’d want to ingest it. I’ve been thinking about this, and the answer is simple: some people just need help getting out of their own damn way.
For example, I have a lot of friends who are…shall we say, diffident when it comes to interacting with members of the opposite sex. They’re too shy, lack confidence, and basically wind up doing nothing. Which as we know is a really bad way to make things happen.
Dosing them with a Plum Bob is a good lesson in what’s the worst that can happen? You get out there and you say some shit to a girl you’ll probably never see again. Maybe it’s clever, maybe it’s dumb. Maybe you’ll stumble across the sort of rare profundity that seems to only present itself when there’s whiskey involved. Who knows?
The point is, you will never, ever feel more comfortable saying what’s on your mind than when you have some of this alchemically induced awesomeness permeating your cell walls. And at the end of your 8-hour acid trip into the Land of Fuck Yeah, you’ll come out of it and see that there probably weren’t any long-term consequences resulting from your actions.
Sure, perhaps you messed up a few opportunities, or blew some dude in the bathroom because someone dared you, but so what? In the end, it’ll help you see that fortune favors the bold, and that you gotta get out there and make shit happen.
I personally believe that we can all benefit from a night with no hang-ups.
(Please note that I am making a joke about a substance that does not actually exist, and not encouraging drugging yourself or others. Seriously, if you fucking roofie someone, you are a terrible person and you do not get to blame it on me, you psychopath.)
Okay, enough about drugs. Let’s get back to some #realtalk. When you’re talking superfoods, you’re talking serious shit, and what could be more serious than drinking the blood of your slain foes? Nothing, that’s what. If you’re being extra hardcore, do it from their skull, like Karl fuckin’ Tanner.
What I’m saying is that if you happen to dance the deadly dance of combat with someone and emerge victorious, you should open on of their veins into a goblet and drink some of their life essence.
Before you ask why, let me preemptively respond with why the fuck wouldn’t you?
Ancient cultures did this all the time. You kill a man, you take some of his essence; drinking his blood is one way to do that. According to certain beliefs, you’ll gain some of his strength, knowledge, and experiences. You’ve already proven yourself to be the superior warrior, and partaking of this superfood is one way to ensure you keep getting better.
If you’re going to be hacking and slashing people to death, you owe it to them to drink their blood, or eat a bit of their flesh. Unless you happen to an Immortal, in which case you obviously behead them and take their Quickening while blasting some Queen.
BAM! Cue the video.
Not into defeating your enemies in glorious battle and then drinking their blood? No problem. I get it.
You’re not at home on the battlefield: you live on the Upper West Side, and you believe in a taking care of yourself, a balanced diet, and a rigorous exercise routine.
As such, it’s totally understandable that because blood is so carb-heavy, you wouldn’t indulge in it while hitting your stomach crunches in the morning (I heard you can do over a thousand now—good job!). Being such a sophisticated bon vivant, you prefer to lure people in and kill them at home. I feel you, dawg.
That said, this can be super frustrating. After all, it’s not that you want them to get drunk, but when there’s a very fine chardonnay they’re not drinking, it can cause you to lose your grip on reality and want to just start killmurdering a naked swath through Upper Manhattan.
When this happens, I highly suggest eating the brains of your victims. That’s right, brains. They’re not just for zombies anymore! Low in carbs, high in protein and loaded with healthy fats, the brains of your victims are a superfood that should be a part of any diet. While I can’t prove that they’ll make you smarter, I can tell you they ARE delicious.
Plus, there are a host of other benefits, including: impeccable taste in suits and haircuts; rapidly expanding knowledge of popular music; increased frequency of threesomes; guaranteed reservations at Dorsia.
Side effects include: feeding stray cats to ATMs; and intense anxiety attacks brought on by looking at other people’s business cards.
Still unsure about it? Well, Patrick Bateman ate the brains of his victims, and I can’t think of anyone else you’d rather be. Except probably me.
While it’s exceptionally unlikely that you’ll ever get your hands on the Holy Grail, I wouldn’t be doing my job if I left it out.
So, to business: anything you drink out of the Grail instantly becomes a superfood. Water restores youth and heals injuries, wine gives you insight into the turning of the universe; stuff like that.
And that’s all well and good…but if you’re any sort of meathead at all, you’ll do the smart thing and drink your protein shake out of the Holy Grail. Yeah, that’s right. You just spent five years of your life leveraging the accumulated wisdom of the ages on a Grail Quest, and now I want you to fill the thing with whey protein and drink your post workout shake from it.
I can’t prove, but I simply refuse to believe this won’t be more effective than drinking it from a damn shaker cup. I just refuse. So for the sake of argument, let’s just agree that drinking your shake from the chalice used at the Last Supper is going to give you super strength, slash your body fat in half, and basically guarantee constant deadlift PRs for the next six months. We’re all agreed on that? Good.
There’s really no reason not to do this. It’s what Indiana Jones would do. It’s what King Arthur would do. It’s what Robert Langdon would do. And without question, it’s what Roman would do.
After all, what’s the worst that can happen?
They’re good for you. You should eat them.
Especially in guacamole form. Here’s a recipe for that.
I’m sure I should write something here, but honestly I’ve gotten reasonably drunk and I’m pretty exhausted.
Welp, see ya later.