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Roman’s Random Ruminations (Volume 1?)

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I know this is supposed to be a fitness site, but since I’m about to spend the next two weeks inundating the world in fitness information as I prepare to unleash Final Phase Fat Loss (check out my sweet new banner!), I thought we’d do something fun here.

So, I’m just gonna publish a bunch of random thoughts I have. Maybe you’ll get a chuckle out of it. Please, I encourage you to share yours.

  • I’m not exactly a grammar Nazi, and I enjoy the use of internet language as much as anyone. I’m sorry, but “prolly” is not an acceptable abbreviation for the word “probably.” It’s a pretty strong clue that you’re a moron, however.
  • Anytime one of my friends utters the phrase, “don’t worry, I got this” my gut reaction is to calculate precisely how fucked we are. (Take note, Joel Marion.)
  • General Announcement: Wearing an Affliction t-shirt does not immediately grant you knowledge of or ability in mixed martial arts.
  • On a related note, what’s worse? Paying 75 bucks for a t-shirt with rhinestones on it, or being a cheap bastard and bedazzling it yourself? Trick question, you’re still a douchebag.
  • I don’t care how many antioxidants it has, adding pomegranate extracts to ice cream and vodka does not make them health food. On the other hand, it does make them tasty.
  • A recent study indicates that people who pick their nose and eat it are less likely to get sick. This is because they are exposing themselves to low doses of bacteria, inoculating themselves against it. Makes sense. Now, think about that kid in your grade school with the perfect attendance record. Makes even MORE sense now, doesn’t it?
  • Why is it always the skinny kids with the 15 pounds dumbbells who make the most obnoxious noises in the gym?
  • Gyms are always completely jam packed after new years, but this dies down during the second week of February. What’s the logic there? “Oh, it’s Valentines Day and I’m still fat and single. Clearly this did not work. Fuck it.”

Okay, enough tomfoolery. Get ready for some hardcore fitness info for the next two weeks. Then we can go back to wasting time and having fun.

In the meantime, leave some of your own random thoughts and ruminations. Would love to hear from ya.

About the Author

John Romaniello is a level 70 orc wizard who spends his days lifting heavy shit and his nights fighting crime. When not doing that, he serves as the Chief Bro King of the Roman Empire and Executive Editor here on RFS. You can read his articles here, and rants on Facebook.

  • Kristie

    Why is it when I smell chocolate, I crave it and immediately put on 3 pounds, without even eating it?

    Why dose my favorite red wine make me gain 3 pounds over a weekend?

    Will I be fat/flabby forever?

    Lastly, I cannot wait to try out this program. I have lost 40 pounds over the past year and am ready to tone what is left of me!

  • Phyllis

    Why aren't navy beans navy?

    I grew up during the late 50s and early 60s. My parents were Alfred Hitchcock AND Twilight Zone fans. That made for a terrifying childhood. At night when I went to bed I had to arrange the curtains so that there were no cracks for a sinister eyeball to peek at me while I was sleeping (if I managed to sleep). And of course, I dared not ever let my foot hang over the edge of the bed, or else the monster would drag me under.

  • Christina

    Yes, that's the route I have gone, pretty much. Not quite throwing over yet, but getting close to that old joke: “Hey Granny, can I play with your breasts?” 'Sure, but don't go out too far, it's getting dark soon”. Flattening spandex works better than real bras, which are a torture device that should be banned in this enlightened age. Although I WOULD make an exception for the hand bra. Which I have forwarded liberally and it has created great amounts of joy all around – there's a market here. Thanks, Per!

  • Ylwa

    @Christina – Oh yes, bareback is even trickier. I'm thinking a third alternative is to stop wearing bra's al together and just let them get so long you can throw them over your shoulders and just put on a tight top. Very native.

  • Eric

    If it is just about calories in calories out, what happens to a 200lb person losing 2lbs per week for 100 weeks?

    does a Boston terrier say “ahf ahf?”

    if the blue angels did an air show in Vietnam, would they be called Charlie's angels?

    It is pretty astounding as a trainer when people come in and say they want to “tone up” yet they rarely even know what it means. Between that and girls saying “i don't want to get really muscular” its enough for me to file a lawsuit with SHAPE or Ladies Fitness or whoever is giving them those awful awful thoughts.

    Did you ever notice when you give yourself a rep number to hit, you usually fail on that very last rep?

    why is it that raw milk is illegal, yet twinkies, cocoa puffs, and mountain dew aren't? Just some food for thought.

  • Per

    Why is it always the bulky hulk-guy with the 100 pound dumbbells who are not strong enough to put them down on the floor but needs to drop them from waist-height?

    Supposedly, the word 'vegetarian' is an old native american expression for 'bad hunter'… (ok, that one wasn't true)

    McDonalds does not serve any meat free alternative in their restaurants, not even the sallad… (http://www.mcdonalds.com/usa/eat/mcdonalds_menu.html)

    The worlds largest mammal, the blue whale, can not even swallow a football.

    How come people have the tendency to throw their garbage in the same bin, even after it's full and the other two bins are empty?

    Why is it that even though I got a “your comment is approved” mail, it still didn't show up on the page the first time? Some of life's mysteries are not ment to be understood…

    @Ylwa: You could do body weight squats or lunges that way anyway… (Or get one of these: http://f00.inventorspot.com/images/handbra.jpg )

  • Per

    @Christina –

    Well, pee-ing is a little neanderthal, but placing a sweat-soked towel on the machine I intend to use, that's another thing… ;O)

  • Christina

    Hmm, high-testosterone-content guys scoping out new territory, longingly wandering past tall metal machines? I expect you lift your leg at them next, if you get a quiet moment? Just to MARK your new territory?

    Eeow, now I'm doubly glad I train at home.

    Unless I'm travelling. Cracked up a few dive shop guys already by asking for two extra weight belts with about 25 lb of lead on them..Cheapest home gym in the world, and works like a charm.

  • Brandon

    @John Romaniello – Easy, you're scoping out new territory. I did that when I first got to school. It scared a few people, then they realized I was an English major, so they realized I was weird, but not dangerous.

  • You guys have weirder thoughts than I do. Ya buncha crazies.

    Here's a not so random one — why is it that whenever I go to a new gym, I wander around lost and looking for equipment, even though I know i'm just gonna use all dumbbells anyway.

  • Christina

    Oh, you poor girl, you never had good oatmeal!I LOVE my oatmeal! Grind whole oat groats freshly, add flax seed and ground chia seeds and wolf berries. Soak over night in some water, cook in the morning for just one minute, adding coconut milk. Stevia, cinnamon and fresh fruit (kiwi and banana work best for me) add the final touch of luxury. Sounds like a lot of work, but after a week you can do it on autopilot. So nutritionally correct it's a wonder it's still edible!

    Ditto to your sports bra complaint! Ever tried trotting your horse bareback, controlling the reins with one hand, while keeping all your bounty in check with the other arm?

    @Ylwa –

  • Boxtavious

    Hey John,

    Just took a quick look at the Final Phase Fat Loss page and I have to say its really hard to understand you without cranking the volume due to the echoing. I think it may just be a terrible room to do any type of audio recording, try throwing some curtains or sheets over the other walls next time to dampen things a bit.

  • Ed

    Why do people say, “Have a safe flight?” I have about 0.000002% control of my flight safety anyway.

  • Put the weights back Im not a fan of cleaning up after turds.

    oh and the dumbbell flinger 1 time Turd was incline 60 lb dbs just missed me by inches so I calmly picked them up and curled them 12 times and racked um. made my point YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

  • Jessica

    The real reason it’s called a shark is because when you encounter one there’s not enough time to yell “shit” and “fark” separately so what you’re left with is SHAAAAARK!

    (ok ok that's not true but by golly it’s funny)

    Why do the hairs on your right hand (including your fingers) grow to the right and the hairs on your left hand (including your fingers) grow to the left EXCEPT for the hairs on your right thumb which grow to the left and the hairs on your left thumb grow to the right? Go on have a look…..you know you want to!

    So Roman when your friends say “don’t worry, I got this” are they referring to reportable communicable diseases and THAT's why you calculate how fucked you all are?

    And finally why does a bloke currently spruiking the virtues of pocket watches and trying to start a trend wear a WRISTwatch in his new promotional video?!

  • Sash

    hippos have pink fluorescent milk

    more people die as a result of donkey accidents then from shark attacks

    skinny guys always focus on isolation movements and never do compounds…..wonder why

  • Justin

    @Ylwa –

    Ylwa, I would have to say that all depends on the size. ha

  • James M

    I ate a lot of boog's as a kid thats prolly why I didnt miss a day 3rd -8th grade.

  • Meshel

    I do random regularly…

    Each of the suits on a deck of cards represents the four major pillars of the economy in the middle ages: heart represented the Church, spades represented the military, clubs represented agriculture, and diamonds represented the merchant class.

    Kissing helps prevent tooth decay.

    The tongue is the strongest muscle in the body.

    When you are born you have 300 bones…as an adult you only have 206.

    The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.

    An egg will float if placed in water in which sugar has been added.

    Depending on who you talk to, American Sign Language is the #3 or #4 most used language in the US.

  • Ylwa

    Regardless of how healthy it might be, how can people who aren't starving volontary eat oatmeal? It's like chewing hot wall-paper glue.

    Gyms get empty by Valentines day for two reasons: 1) Come February 14th people don't care if you're fat, single, married or a psycho, as long as you can walk and eat. That means you can date. You simply don't have to try that hard anylonger.

    2) If you got a date for Valentine's clearly you don't need to sweat since you were able to get laid anyway (all desperation put aside). Come May you're still fat and your girlfriend don't want to spend summer in the Hamptons with a fatty, and dumps you. That's why all gyms get crowded again by mid-april.

    If it's the skinny guys making all the noise, how come they're still not passing the biggest guys in the gym who spends 50% of their workouts mirroring themselves.

    After careful observation I have concluded that fake boobs are the best sports bra a girl could have. They beat every stay-in-place I have ever come across. The only way I could have the same support for my own ones (still au naturel) is if I were to fix them firmly with my own hands. Kind of limiting in your workouts though. So,

    How many guys would pay for a job like that?