Why Spongebob has digestion issues, and the Perfect Poop Formula
You know what’s an underrated life pleasure?
Picture this: You’re absolutely crushing your diet, staying away from sweets, and eating real food and lots of veggies.
You strut to the toilet, sit down on your squatty potty, and the perfect deuce slides itself right out of you. When you go to wipe, and it’s nearly already clean.
A nice deuce. Just one of life’s simple pleasures, that’s all.
More important than the satisfaction, a proper poop is a sign of good health. Each year, we’re learning more and more about the role that the gut and microbiome play on our health.
But intuitively, most of us know that perfect poops come when we’ve been eating healthy, and in particular when we’re eating lots of vegetables and fiber.
I know if I have a big ass salad for lunch, the next day I’m pooping like a pro, and I’m in and out in less than two minutes.
If you don’t know what a sal-ad is, your gut health might be in trouble. (Also, Spongebob has aged better than any kids show in existence don’t @ me on this.)
On the other hand, if I have chicken wings and three whey protein shakes (and maybe a Krabby patty)… well, you know how this sentence ends.
Because of our stool quality’s relationship to our health, I now recommend that clients, especially those trying to gain muscle, use their poop to help monitor the quality of their diet.
In hypercaloric diets, my clients need to eat A LOT.
When I encourage them to eat all they want, and hopefully more, inevitably the quality slips. Protein shakes and PB&J become staples.
This may affect their poop, signaling their digestion has taken a hit.
So, we scale back the whey protein, dial in the veggie intake, and go from there.
However, your health is not the ONLY reason why you should care about your poop (although it’s probably the most important).
Okay, I’ll admit, I’ve never had anal sex, despite Roman asserting to me that it’ll change the game of my sexual experience.
And the reason I haven’t involves poop.
I’ve heard of all too many (about three or four) incidents where anal play turned into a literal shit storm.
I’ll spare the details of the stories, but the moral is simple:
If you want to do anal, make sure you get your digestive tract in tip-top shape.
So that’s one reason I’ve never done anal. I don’t want to aggravate a digestive tract that hasn’t trained for it. Is this irrational? Probably. Does it still make me think twice? It sure does.
Then, there are sanitary concerns. Especially in a pandemic world, people. Hygiene first. So I’m still not too keen on the idea of eating ass.
This would also be mitigated if you were dealing with a perfect pooper that hardly needs to wipe keep it clean. I guess. Well, perfect poops can’t hurt.
I know, I know. My science is shabby on this whole anal play thing. But I stand by it. I’m not going near buttholes unless I see the salad bowl in the sink or the fridge stocked with leafy greens.
Another reason you should really care about the quality of your poop (as if your health and sex life aren’t enough) is time. Someone who spends five minutes per day on the toilet adds up to 30 hours a year and 38 days over thirty years. A perfect pooper, let’s say, is able to cut that time in half and effectively add a month’s worth of waking hours to your life every few decades.
Then there’s the scheduling. Picture this: you’re at your desk, writing, maybe. Or if you’re not a writer then making PowerPoints are something. Either way, you’re in the flow. Absolute flow. And then your bowels grumble, and nature calls your attention to a different emergency flow.
Work zone ruined.
Great poopers, have a set time and rarely miss it. No interrupted work, just flow.
Okay, so how I can make sure my poop — and digestive health — are in order? Great question, Poop Padawan. First, let’s look at the problem with some common interventions.
Most fiber products contain a ton of crap that actually hurt your digestion. Sure, they contain psyllium as the principal ingredient, which has shown it can get to the job done in smoothing out constipation and improving the gut microbiome (6), but, if not taken with enough fluids, it can actually obstruct digestion (7).
These products contain ingredients like aspartame — the sweetener in Diet Coke that correlates to weight gain (8) and damages the gut microbiome (9) — food dyes, and artificial flavor and colors. In other words, ingredients that harm your digestion.
This may explain my empirical evidence with clients that too much whey protein causes digestion issues, because whey protein (as least the ones that taste good) contain ample artificial sweeteners.
This is not to say the product is complete garbage. For many constipated people, it works. But, we can do better.
Laxatives are another common solution. In the short-term, they work. But, you can become dependent on them to control your bowel movements. Long-term, they have serious side effects, including electrolyte and fluid imbalance, structural and functional changes in your colon, and allergic reactions (10).
First, check your diet. If there’s something obvious you’re doing wrong — drinking soda, eating Cheetos, having buffalo wings for dinner three nights a week — then don’t even think about supplements. Get your shit together. Have a BAS (big ass salad) for lunch every day. Eliminate obvious roadblocks first. You know what I’m talking about and I don’t think I have to say much more.
If you’re still having digestion issues, look into your artificial sweetener intake, mix in some fermented foods like sauerkraut (I love me a good Reuben sandwich) yogurt, or kombucha (I know, kombucha is kind of lame though).
Also, you should definitely have a squatty potty.
Pending that, there is one supplement that can move the needle (well, move the colon): a prebiotic with NO artificial anything. Just ingredients that support a healthy gut environment for perfect poops and great health.
Prebiotics are fibers that the microorganisms in the gut can use for nutrients. Basically, it’s fuel for your gut microbiome (11). Peak BioBoost contains three different prebiotics, all of which have been shown to improve the gut microbiome (12, 13, 14).
So, if you’re struggling with your gut health, or just need an extra boost, go learn more about Peak BioBoost. Oh, and go clean the sal-ad bowl in your sink.