Introducing the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Workout
Well, it’s here. Or will be soon. In fact, it may already be too late; by the time you read this, the initial stages of the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE may have begun.
It is entirely possible that just hours before you read this very sentence, the first of the walker rose up from his hospital bed, eyes glazed and skin sunken, mouth gaping wide and biting at anything that moves—the undead Patient Zero, the harbinger of our doom.
Or perhaps we’re lucky and it hasn’t started yet—yet. We may be a few weeks or months or even years away, and you aren’t yet scrambling for your life and trying desperately to survive.
I’d like to think that these words reached you in time to serve as advanced warning, rather than an ironic reminder.
That’s when I’d like you to have read this: when you’re safe and cozy in your house, enjoying the life’s little luxuries, like TV and Internet. Perhaps you’re reading this in line at the post office on your iPad, or in school on your smart phone, or even at work on your computer. I’d like to think that this information is reaching you in a time when those things exist; a time when tablets and phones and computers are prevalent, and the power to give them life is always available at an outlet. Perhaps you still live in a time when there are schools to go to and post offices with lines to wait in.
Hopefully, this information is getting to you months or years before you need to use it, but by having it you’ll ensure that you’ll be able to survive, should the worst occur.
If that’s the case, you truly are one of the lucky ones because today I’m going to introduce you to a book is going to make sure you stay that way. These words will all but guarantee that you will be ready when the zombie apocalypse comes.
But it’s also possible you’re not one of the lucky ones. It’s possible the zombie apocalypse has already come…and you were either ready or you weren’t. If you weren’t, and you somehow managed to survive the first wave in spite of that, you’ve probably had help from someone who read the very book I want to tell you about today.
If that’s the case, and you’re one of those caught up in the aftermath of the uprising, you’re probably thumbing through an aged, blood-stained printout of this manual, handed down and passed from one survivor to another to help them become more physically capable of making their way in the desolate landscape that was once our civilization.
Perhaps you’re even reading this as it was intended: electronically; on some device that managed to last as the first waves of undead cut a bloody swath through your part of the world. Powered by resources you can ill-afford to waste, such a device may very well be intended for the specific purpose of passing along this information.
And for good reason: this book could save your life, and probably will. This manual is best if used before the fallen rise again, but it’s still valuable after. The information in this book is going to help you do what seems impossible: slay the undead, protect your family, and survive the end of the world.
Because when the dead come back to life as zombies, you need to be ready.
These are very good questions, and the answers are equally interesting.
Firstly, we must admit to a bit of bias when it comes to sources of entertainment—we love zombies. And we’re not alone. In recent years, zombies have really hit the mainstream, and people love the concept.
Movies like Night of the Living Dead, 28 Days Later and Dawn of the Dead hook their claws into our minds and easily capture our imagination, making us question every dark corner and grumbled moan. Zombieland and Shaun of the Dead take a more lighthearted, less biting approach, but even in their comedic delivery of the subject material, the apocalypses still happens and people still die—although generally in an amusing way. On the small screen, the Walking Dead, a show depicting the world as we know it sent to zombie hell in a hand basket, is shattering ratings records left and right.
With dozens of books on the market – some tongue-in-cheek and other serious as a heart attack – created to show you how to survive an onslaught of the undead, one thing is certain: one way or another, zombies are now firmly entrenched in the zeitgeist.
Given all of that, we’d be remiss if we didn’t admit that from a marketing perspective, this book perhaps fills a need, and generates attention. If it ended there, if we created a kick-ass workout program people picked up and used specifically because they liked zombies, that really would be okay. As long is that workout made people laugh and got them results, we’d be happy.
But it doesn’t end there; for us, this is about more than writing about something we enjoy or riding the coattails of a trend.
Because we believe that they are coming. We believe that under the right set of circumstances, whether it’s virus that spreads quickly (please see: I am Legend or 28 Days Later)or something a bit more insidious like genetic engineering gone awry (Resident Evil, anyone?), zombies or walkers or biters or geeks or meat-sacks or whatever else you want to call them…could and very well may rise from the ground and seek to feast on the flesh of the living.
And we feel that because of our specific skill set in the fitness industry, paired with our passion and knowledge of all things zombie, that we are the perfect pair to bring something like this to light.
But, perhaps you don’t believe that the zombie apocalypse is a real threat. Maybe you think I’m being silly, and just allowing my imagination and my love of the subject material to run away with me. In the interest of giving you what you need wrapped up in you want, let me try to phase things pragmatically for the non-believers: you should prepare anyway. Prepare by having being well stocked with food, water and weapons, and prepare yourself physically.
And just so there is no confusion, you very well may need to be read, stat. There are those among you who probably still consider zombies fodder for movies and novels and other works of fiction…so what do we find if we move out of the realm of fiction and into our everyday lives?
Because the fact is, zombie-related incidents are being reported left and right, and we aren’t the only ones who’re noticing. Here is just a small sample:
Welcome, friends, to the end of days.
Never before in history has our way of life been threatened in such a clear way. As we see it, there is an extremely high likelihood that at some point, zombies are going to rise and come looking for dinner. It’s no longer a matter of “if” zombies are going to crawling, shuffling and sprinting to your doorsteps, but when.
Scary, isn’t it—the thought of everything that you know and love being taken away from you at a moments notice?
Unless you just think I’m wrong. In which case you’re not scared, you’re skeptical. If at this point you still don’t believe, then there probably isn’t anything we can do to convince you that the dead will rise. That’s fine. We’re okay with you not believing us. But we want to convince you that in the interest of pragmatism, you should stock your garage a bit and get into incredible physical condition. At the very least you should do some sort of training that will allow you to thrive should things go bad.
In fact, we want you to use a program that’s going to help you become faster, stronger and leaner, all while improving endurance. You’ll be able to compete athletically and you’ll look better doing it—but, should the need arise, you’ll be ready to run and fight and defend yourself from…well, you know.
Think about it this way: worst-case scenario, we’re wrong, and the zombie apocalypse doesn’t happen, but you’re prepared. You wind up with extra food and water in your garage. Sweet, now you’re prepared for a flood or a hurricane or any other emergency. And physically, you’re in great shape. Actually…that’s…um, that’s kinda the best-case scenario. The real worst-case case is that you don’t do this program, the apocalypse comes, and you’re the first to get eaten for dinner.
Those are two possibilities—but there’s a third. And that’s this: you take the plunge and prepare. You do this program, you get into shape, you enjoy time as a bad-ass athlete or a stud on the beach. You enjoy those things until the zombies come, and when they do, you’re ready.
Luckily for you, this is where we come in. Within these pages you’ll find the only manual designed to prepare you, physically, for the upcoming apocalypse; a fitness guide created with the sole purpose of going from reactive to proactive. A fitness guide that will help transform you from next week’s dinner to the hero of your own story, build a body capable not only of surviving the onslaught but thriving in whatever horror-stricken circumstances you find yourself in.
Before we tell you exactly how our training manual is going to help you get through the apocalypse, before we tell you exactly what it is, we should first cover what it’s not.
We mentioned above that this book will help you protect your family—and it will. But it won’t teach you how to fortify your house or talk about what types of foods have the longest shelf-lift before they spoil—for that you’d need a basic Zombie Survival Guide. We’re going to cover survival in an entirely different way.
Further to that, what you’re reading is not a history book, and won’t tell you how zombies came to be or give you an overview of how this happened (for that, you’d want an Oral History of the Zombie War), nor will it give you a rundown of the incidences of zombies over the years before the apocalypse. (For that, you’d want to check the archives for Recorded Attacks.)
And although we mention in the subtitle that you’ll be able to slay the undead, this book won’t specifically talk about how to fight zombies. Although that’s extremely important, it was covered extensively in the Zombie Combat Manual; instead, the book you’re about to read covers the physical necessities of surviving the zombie apocalypse in a completely different way, looks at things though a completely different lens: fitness.
Yes, fitness. The first of it’s kind, The ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE SURVIVAL Workout is a book that is specifically intended to you get fit enough to do all of the things you’re going to do during the outbreak and in the aftermath of what follows.
Before we go any further, let’s just give you a bit of a look into what that aftermath is going to look like, exactly:
Pretty scary stuff, huh? And unlike this clip, you may not have Brad Pitt around to protect you–so you’ll have to be able to do it yourself. And THAT is why you need to get fit. You need to get in the best shape of your life…or you’ll wind up dead.
Fitness is the key to everything—it’s the force multiplier that allows you to be better at everything you do. In everything you currently do, from your job to your sex life, being fit gives you advantages and allows you to perform better, whether it’s higher mental clarity or more stamina. But fitness itself isn’t the goal; the goal is to allow specific types of fitness to prepare you for the things you’ll need to do.
Again, we’re not interested in teaching you the skills necessary to get by in the zombie apocalypse; there are other guides for that. Our goal is to train you to be more capable of executing the demands those skills call for.
For example, being extremely fit doesn’t make you a better fighter, but it will help you fight better. Even if you don’t learn the nuances of zombie combat, being faster, stronger and more agile will allow you to be successful with a bit less skill. More to the point, if you do acquire that skill, being fit will make it exponentially more effective.
While being in great shape immediately grants you any skills as survivalist, if you’re stronger, you can carry a larger pack with more supplies, or carry more firewood to your camp.
And when it comes to some basic physical attributes, we don’t think we need to explain how being faster is going to help you get away from zombies, or having good endurance is going to allow you to keep running when they give chase, or a thousand other things.
You still need to prepare for the apocalypse—your home, weapons, food, supplies. You take care of that. But when it comes to preparing your body itself in a way that will make all of those things work more efficiently—on that front, we’ve got you covered.
This is your life. Now more than ever is the time to step up and take control of your own fate. If movies have taught us anything, it’s that order will collapse and with it any hope of rescue.
There’ll be no cavalry left for a last minute charge, no SEAL team left to swoop in. No one will come to save you, your friends, family or beloved house pet. When the time comes—and it will, soon—it will be completely up to you to make the decisions necessary to restore order to the place that you call home; to fight for everything you hold dear in your life, and your life itself.
Are you up for the challenge? Of course you are—and we’ll be with you every step of the way.
So. Let’s get started.